It has been way too long since I blogged. There have been numerous events and struggles that I can blog about.; but there is one area that is currently affecting me tonight.
Lately I have been studying and learning how to fully surrender, trust and have faith in God, FULLY! For a woman that has been raised with "I'm a Black woman and I am Proud" "Black Woman hear me roar", these scriptures humbles me quickly: Proverbs 8: 13 "To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech"; Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall"; and Isaiah 23: 9 "The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth" . WOW!!! The bible shows that pride is not allowed in God's Kingdom. So how do I tear down 29 years of having such pride? By doing exactly what God calls me to do…Humbling myself!
Since September 2010, I have been fighting what I thought was a straightforward fight. My marriage didn't work out. That was a slap in the face in the beginning. What did I do wrong; why didn't it work out; does he really not care for me and our daughter? These questions that baffled me for many nights. Instead of leaning on God, I came to my own conclusions. And those conclusions turned my heart to ice! I was so nice to people and had good intentions, but Satan and my personal demons had hardened my heart so much. I never looked at the marriage the same from that moment on.
Now as I sit here on this cold February night, I have to go to court tomorrow. I have taken matters with this situation into my own hands since day one of this fight. Every time I thought I was going to handle it, God showed me that my way isn't the right way. So I humbled myself and surrendered. I felt as though God was asking me the same question posed in Exodus 10:3 "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me". My answer was always "I am not technically refusing, I am "humbling"...I just need to do this and that and wait wait wait....let me try this one last thing God". And after each try, I am knocked down. (Matthew 21:44 “He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”.). I continuously found myself being crushed. However, after each crushing moment, my ultimate question was “Why was it so hard to get this nightmare to end?” My ultimate goal was to put this behind me and move on with my life. I don't even know this stranger. After each knock and crushing moment, I was growing closer and closer to the realization that God is trying to get me to SURRENDER!!! Surrender to his will! Surrender and allow him to lead my life. He was trying to be the Captain of my life....rather than me steering this life of mine in so many wrong directions. This is just one small battle for the ultimate battle....bringing my soul out of Satan's stronghold.
This surrendering journey has brought me to this very moment. So where is my heart right now? How am I feeling? What are my thoughts? My answers: worried, Worried and WORRIED! Tomorrow I am worried about how this is going to start, go and end. I have sat in front of this very computer screen, answering over 100 questions that I don't see is relevant to the overall goal. As I answered each of those questions, my heart gradually became so angry. Why are you doing this yet again? After two hours, I am done! It's over! But that angry feeling isn't gone....and now I am worried about what was the motive behind it. What are they trying to do? Finance this; finance that...now I have questions. Why? Why? Why?
My mind is racing at the speed of light. I must remember that I was commanded not to worry. So I decided to have my quiet time tonight on...WORRYING.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 6:25-34. A few key scriptures in this passage are verses 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothses. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? WHO OF YOU BY WORRYING CAN ADD A SINGLE HOUR TO HIS LIFE? Now going to verses 34 "THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITSELF. EACH DAY HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE OF ITS OWN".
It doesn't end there! Luke 21:14 "But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves"...Luke 12:11-12 "When you are brought before the synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say". My conclusion....THIS BATTLE IS NOT MINE!!! IT'S GOD'S! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
I must stop being spiteful and taking things into my own hands; constantly in search of that outcome that may not be God's will. I have to stop trying to cause pain on someone because they brought pain into my life. I have to stop being the captain of my life and allow the real captain steer this boat. I have to overall SURRENDER!! I can no longer be self-reliant...I must be God-reliant. If I say out of my mouth that I will do all these things...then why I am worrying? Psalm 97:10 states "Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked".
I can now rest easy knowing that...Tomorrow and the rest of my life is guarded!
