Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Birthday Wish: For The First Time in Forever
Sometimes our children make us do things we would never do!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
THANK YOU GOD!!!
2 years ago, today, I started this blog. I was at a point in my life where I didn't really understand where I was going, how did I get to that place and why was I there. Life threw me some curve balls and I kept dodging, ducking, jumping and leaping over all of them, until I was hit. Over the past two years I have been through many things, learned many things, left old habits and gained convictions about my life.
Let's take a ride down 2012. During this time, I was battling with what's right for me and what God has for me. The two didn't overlap at all and the frustrations had me confused, angry, hurt and blaming God for why things were ending up in the "slums". I started living life in a way that on the outside I had it together, but motives of my heart were selfish. Proverbs 16: 2 states All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Wow, why was I living a check mark life? Just to gain what I wanted in life? Needless to say, God knew my motives and they were exposed at the right time. Wait? I can't be restored? I have to wait? How dare you say I didn't repent of that sin, or this sin? Oh the anger that filled my heart at that moment. But hold up...I knew right from wrong. Was I going to allow these sins to stop me from getting back in God's grace? Was this worldly satisfaction going to stop me from living the life I knew I was destined to have? Was this selfishness and deceit going to continue to block me from God and for Him to not see me (Isaiah 59:1-2)...no! Didn't I break down this wall in June of 2010? Didn't I say Jesus is Lord? So why am I allowing satan to convince me to keep this rebuilt wall up...blocking me from God?
By the end of January, I had lost so much. The house that I knew of was gone. The life that I had built, gone. The"perfect" life that I build on a sinful and selfish foundation, gone. Was I happy...no, of course not. Who in the mindset that I was in would be happy? At 17, I went to college, at 21 I graduated, at 22 I was in California working for the top weapons lab in the nation, later at 22 I was in a top grad program, 25 married, 26 living a single parent life...and at that present time 29, finalizing a divorce. What does all of these things have in common....INDEPENDENCE! What did I have stripped away, my independence. For the first time, I had to really rely on other to be there for me....to take time and to rebuild myself. The difference in building myself this time? In all of the examples given, I never mentioned God. I knew God, but I didn't have a true relationship with him, married to God. This time I totally built my foundation on God, one brick at a time, layer by layer. It took a few months, but I moved into the home that I prayed for. Took the rest of the year to build up myself and my wonderful daughter.
Then in the mist of enjoying life and living it up, 2013 came! I looked back over 2012 and was happy at the friendships that I had gained, the lessons learned, the growing relationship with God and watching my heart surrender to his word, his will. I was on a high! I realized that all that fulfillment of my loneliness was from God. I no longer struggled to be in a relationship to feel complete. I have found that piece to the void in my heart. Oh the joy that I felt going into 2013!
2013 brought about a lot of challenges at work. So guess what? Satan is always on the prowl. Genesis 4 states that sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. That struggle to be in a relationship was under my feet! Not to sound cocky, but I was very secure in my relationship with God and knew satan can't tempt me there anymore; so where does he go? To my career. Due to it being my career, I won't go into too much details. I will just say that for 8-9 months I fought and fought and fought. Was the outcome the way I wanted it to be, no. However, I was at peace knowing that this life isn't promised fairness, we are promised justice. Does the justice always come while on Earth, no. It's okay because I walked away with my same position and a heart of "this is not my entire life". I wasn't broken or destroyed. I had a few bruises but they are MY war wounds...my testimonies...the things that seem to just happen in life that make us who we are. The things that make us stronger because we persevered and didn't give up, give in, or take things into our own hands. Doesn't God promise us the crown of life that is promised if we persevere under trial? (James 1:12)
Now, let me tell you about a blessing that was brewing the entire time of my growth with God in the past year and a half after my re-dedication to God. I have a friend that I met early spring of 2012. I laughed at the table as he told me he was in grad school with my friends that I went to undergrad with. We chatted and the lunch was over. He went his way, I went mine. On my birthday in San Antonio, TX, I see him again at our summit. He asked me on a date. My response was sure and we exchanged phone numbers. After San Antonio, lives go back to "normal", whatever normal is :-). I get a call here and there and we go on periodic dates. Was there something there that wasn't being said? Hmmm I don't know. Remember I was going through the period of "fixing" myself. Later in 2013, YES, there is something. What to do? Is is mutual? Is this real? Questions that ran through my head, over and over. I asked questions to others, sought tons of advice, talked about my feelings and thoughts. Then my "scared to pray" prayers were answered! It's mutual! I gained a deeper friendship. And on December 31, 2013 at 6:08 pm, I gained a wonderful and Godly boyfriend! I didn't know it was happening...but that's the amazing part about it...it was in God's timing.
Let's bring my two years full circle. I battled with fulfilling voids with nonsense.I learned that loneliness is a state of mind because I didn't know how to fully surrender, trust and obey God. I gained a true relationship with God and learned what a marriage to Him meant, in a biblical sense. I learned what the body of Christ was and how I fit into that situation (1 Corinthians 12:12-31). I learned what a Godly mother looks like and learned how to be that for my daughter. I learned how to be a friend, how to encourage others, how to treat others, how to treat myself. And you know what, God blessed me with the desires of my heart. My heart does leaps and flips with knowing that I am living the life that was planned for me and ended this two years in a relationship built in a righteous way! What do I say to that? Cheers! Welcome 2014! And thank you GOD for never giving up on me!
Let's take a ride down 2012. During this time, I was battling with what's right for me and what God has for me. The two didn't overlap at all and the frustrations had me confused, angry, hurt and blaming God for why things were ending up in the "slums". I started living life in a way that on the outside I had it together, but motives of my heart were selfish. Proverbs 16: 2 states All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Wow, why was I living a check mark life? Just to gain what I wanted in life? Needless to say, God knew my motives and they were exposed at the right time. Wait? I can't be restored? I have to wait? How dare you say I didn't repent of that sin, or this sin? Oh the anger that filled my heart at that moment. But hold up...I knew right from wrong. Was I going to allow these sins to stop me from getting back in God's grace? Was this worldly satisfaction going to stop me from living the life I knew I was destined to have? Was this selfishness and deceit going to continue to block me from God and for Him to not see me (Isaiah 59:1-2)...no! Didn't I break down this wall in June of 2010? Didn't I say Jesus is Lord? So why am I allowing satan to convince me to keep this rebuilt wall up...blocking me from God?
By the end of January, I had lost so much. The house that I knew of was gone. The life that I had built, gone. The"perfect" life that I build on a sinful and selfish foundation, gone. Was I happy...no, of course not. Who in the mindset that I was in would be happy? At 17, I went to college, at 21 I graduated, at 22 I was in California working for the top weapons lab in the nation, later at 22 I was in a top grad program, 25 married, 26 living a single parent life...and at that present time 29, finalizing a divorce. What does all of these things have in common....INDEPENDENCE! What did I have stripped away, my independence. For the first time, I had to really rely on other to be there for me....to take time and to rebuild myself. The difference in building myself this time? In all of the examples given, I never mentioned God. I knew God, but I didn't have a true relationship with him, married to God. This time I totally built my foundation on God, one brick at a time, layer by layer. It took a few months, but I moved into the home that I prayed for. Took the rest of the year to build up myself and my wonderful daughter.
Then in the mist of enjoying life and living it up, 2013 came! I looked back over 2012 and was happy at the friendships that I had gained, the lessons learned, the growing relationship with God and watching my heart surrender to his word, his will. I was on a high! I realized that all that fulfillment of my loneliness was from God. I no longer struggled to be in a relationship to feel complete. I have found that piece to the void in my heart. Oh the joy that I felt going into 2013!
2013 brought about a lot of challenges at work. So guess what? Satan is always on the prowl. Genesis 4 states that sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. That struggle to be in a relationship was under my feet! Not to sound cocky, but I was very secure in my relationship with God and knew satan can't tempt me there anymore; so where does he go? To my career. Due to it being my career, I won't go into too much details. I will just say that for 8-9 months I fought and fought and fought. Was the outcome the way I wanted it to be, no. However, I was at peace knowing that this life isn't promised fairness, we are promised justice. Does the justice always come while on Earth, no. It's okay because I walked away with my same position and a heart of "this is not my entire life". I wasn't broken or destroyed. I had a few bruises but they are MY war wounds...my testimonies...the things that seem to just happen in life that make us who we are. The things that make us stronger because we persevered and didn't give up, give in, or take things into our own hands. Doesn't God promise us the crown of life that is promised if we persevere under trial? (James 1:12)
Now, let me tell you about a blessing that was brewing the entire time of my growth with God in the past year and a half after my re-dedication to God. I have a friend that I met early spring of 2012. I laughed at the table as he told me he was in grad school with my friends that I went to undergrad with. We chatted and the lunch was over. He went his way, I went mine. On my birthday in San Antonio, TX, I see him again at our summit. He asked me on a date. My response was sure and we exchanged phone numbers. After San Antonio, lives go back to "normal", whatever normal is :-). I get a call here and there and we go on periodic dates. Was there something there that wasn't being said? Hmmm I don't know. Remember I was going through the period of "fixing" myself. Later in 2013, YES, there is something. What to do? Is is mutual? Is this real? Questions that ran through my head, over and over. I asked questions to others, sought tons of advice, talked about my feelings and thoughts. Then my "scared to pray" prayers were answered! It's mutual! I gained a deeper friendship. And on December 31, 2013 at 6:08 pm, I gained a wonderful and Godly boyfriend! I didn't know it was happening...but that's the amazing part about it...it was in God's timing.
Let's bring my two years full circle. I battled with fulfilling voids with nonsense.I learned that loneliness is a state of mind because I didn't know how to fully surrender, trust and obey God. I gained a true relationship with God and learned what a marriage to Him meant, in a biblical sense. I learned what the body of Christ was and how I fit into that situation (1 Corinthians 12:12-31). I learned what a Godly mother looks like and learned how to be that for my daughter. I learned how to be a friend, how to encourage others, how to treat others, how to treat myself. And you know what, God blessed me with the desires of my heart. My heart does leaps and flips with knowing that I am living the life that was planned for me and ended this two years in a relationship built in a righteous way! What do I say to that? Cheers! Welcome 2014! And thank you GOD for never giving up on me!
Monday, March 12, 2012
My daughter, my Joy
Have you ever been to a point in your spiritual walk that it seems as though you are continuously having "bumps along the way"? That's the battle I am coming out of.
Everyone has their own thorn that they have to fight with daily. I have my fair share of them. I constantly have to deny myself and fight those thorns that are such a big part of my character. Since I started this Journey Back to Christ, I have been battling with so many things that are a part of my character. Some were "easy" battles and some are quite difficult. It seems as though the closer I get to that goal, the more Satan throws curve balls at me. Why won't he leave me alone? Just let me be! I am determined to finished this race, so just stop picking and poking at me! Well, I can say that as much as I want...he's not going to give up. Plus why would he? I was living in darkness and on his side for so long. I even turned away from God for a worldly pleasure. So no, this is going to be a constant battle! Alone, I won't win...with God, all my battles will be a VICTORY.
I have this beautiful little girl that is indeed my Angel that God blessed me with. Although I don't make all the right decisions, she loves me dearly. As a single mother, I always try to do so right by my little one. At times, I have over done it. It's only one me, so she doesn't have the dad in the house. One way of compensating this, I have given her so much love. Nothing is wrong with that, but it got to the point that I was trying to love her as though I am two...I am only one person. I was so worried that other children where getting love from both a mom and a dad, so I need to give her double the love. That's not the case. I was so worried, and instead of letting God fill in those gaps, I took matters into my own hands. I should have just kept my faith in God. He gave me the tools to just trust him and he would take up any slack that I had. James 1:27 says "...to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". OK, so I know my little one isn't an orphan nor am I a widower. But, let's cross reference some to see what I am trying to say. Psalm 146:9 states "The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow...Psalm 10:18 states defending the fatherless and the oppressed so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror" and Exodus 22:22-23 states "Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry". So with God stating this throughout the bible and many more scriptures, why didn't I trust that he was going to protect my baby? Well, it goes back to my last blog about surrendering and fully trusting God and his plan for me and my daughter.
I constantly state "Yeah God I trust you", then the process is slow or the outcome isn't going the way I thought...so I feel the need to put in "Nitra's special sauce" to jazz it up. God says "I am making chicken stew" I say "Well God, I would rather have beef, so let's add a little of this and a little of that and wait take some of this out too". So I am not really fully surrendering to His will or plan. So an eye opener was with my daughter. God gave me this little angel, and trusted me to be an good mom for her, why can't I trust him to be an awesome Father for her? All I need to do is fully surrender and let God take care of the fatherless. I can't love for two people; I am only one person. The greatest part of this is the fact that God has blessed me with the ability to fully give and love my daughter as a mother. Shouldn't I just embrace that and give my daughter what God has for me to give to her? Everything else will take care of itself. Famous scripture, Jeremiah 29:11, states "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Then he goes on to say in verse 12 "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". He is only asking me to trust him, for He knows what's best for me and my daughter. My sinful side doesn't want to submit to that. I need to stay prayed up and denying that side of me. So Amen God, soften my heart to fully trust you!
Everyone has their own thorn that they have to fight with daily. I have my fair share of them. I constantly have to deny myself and fight those thorns that are such a big part of my character. Since I started this Journey Back to Christ, I have been battling with so many things that are a part of my character. Some were "easy" battles and some are quite difficult. It seems as though the closer I get to that goal, the more Satan throws curve balls at me. Why won't he leave me alone? Just let me be! I am determined to finished this race, so just stop picking and poking at me! Well, I can say that as much as I want...he's not going to give up. Plus why would he? I was living in darkness and on his side for so long. I even turned away from God for a worldly pleasure. So no, this is going to be a constant battle! Alone, I won't win...with God, all my battles will be a VICTORY.
I have this beautiful little girl that is indeed my Angel that God blessed me with. Although I don't make all the right decisions, she loves me dearly. As a single mother, I always try to do so right by my little one. At times, I have over done it. It's only one me, so she doesn't have the dad in the house. One way of compensating this, I have given her so much love. Nothing is wrong with that, but it got to the point that I was trying to love her as though I am two...I am only one person. I was so worried that other children where getting love from both a mom and a dad, so I need to give her double the love. That's not the case. I was so worried, and instead of letting God fill in those gaps, I took matters into my own hands. I should have just kept my faith in God. He gave me the tools to just trust him and he would take up any slack that I had. James 1:27 says "...to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". OK, so I know my little one isn't an orphan nor am I a widower. But, let's cross reference some to see what I am trying to say. Psalm 146:9 states "The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow...Psalm 10:18 states defending the fatherless and the oppressed so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror" and Exodus 22:22-23 states "Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry". So with God stating this throughout the bible and many more scriptures, why didn't I trust that he was going to protect my baby? Well, it goes back to my last blog about surrendering and fully trusting God and his plan for me and my daughter.
I constantly state "Yeah God I trust you", then the process is slow or the outcome isn't going the way I thought...so I feel the need to put in "Nitra's special sauce" to jazz it up. God says "I am making chicken stew" I say "Well God, I would rather have beef, so let's add a little of this and a little of that and wait take some of this out too". So I am not really fully surrendering to His will or plan. So an eye opener was with my daughter. God gave me this little angel, and trusted me to be an good mom for her, why can't I trust him to be an awesome Father for her? All I need to do is fully surrender and let God take care of the fatherless. I can't love for two people; I am only one person. The greatest part of this is the fact that God has blessed me with the ability to fully give and love my daughter as a mother. Shouldn't I just embrace that and give my daughter what God has for me to give to her? Everything else will take care of itself. Famous scripture, Jeremiah 29:11, states "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Then he goes on to say in verse 12 "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". He is only asking me to trust him, for He knows what's best for me and my daughter. My sinful side doesn't want to submit to that. I need to stay prayed up and denying that side of me. So Amen God, soften my heart to fully trust you!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I am GUARDED
It has been way too long since I blogged. There have been numerous events and struggles that I can blog about.; but there is one area that is currently affecting me tonight.
Lately I have been studying and learning how to fully surrender, trust and have faith in God, FULLY! For a woman that has been raised with "I'm a Black woman and I am Proud" "Black Woman hear me roar", these scriptures humbles me quickly: Proverbs 8: 13 "To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech"; Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall"; and Isaiah 23: 9 "The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth" . WOW!!! The bible shows that pride is not allowed in God's Kingdom. So how do I tear down 29 years of having such pride? By doing exactly what God calls me to do…Humbling myself!
Since September 2010, I have been fighting what I thought was a straightforward fight. My marriage didn't work out. That was a slap in the face in the beginning. What did I do wrong; why didn't it work out; does he really not care for me and our daughter? These questions that baffled me for many nights. Instead of leaning on God, I came to my own conclusions. And those conclusions turned my heart to ice! I was so nice to people and had good intentions, but Satan and my personal demons had hardened my heart so much. I never looked at the marriage the same from that moment on.
Now as I sit here on this cold February night, I have to go to court tomorrow. I have taken matters with this situation into my own hands since day one of this fight. Every time I thought I was going to handle it, God showed me that my way isn't the right way. So I humbled myself and surrendered. I felt as though God was asking me the same question posed in Exodus 10:3 "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me". My answer was always "I am not technically refusing, I am "humbling"...I just need to do this and that and wait wait wait....let me try this one last thing God". And after each try, I am knocked down. (Matthew 21:44 “He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”.). I continuously found myself being crushed. However, after each crushing moment, my ultimate question was “Why was it so hard to get this nightmare to end?” My ultimate goal was to put this behind me and move on with my life. I don't even know this stranger. After each knock and crushing moment, I was growing closer and closer to the realization that God is trying to get me to SURRENDER!!! Surrender to his will! Surrender and allow him to lead my life. He was trying to be the Captain of my life....rather than me steering this life of mine in so many wrong directions. This is just one small battle for the ultimate battle....bringing my soul out of Satan's stronghold.
This surrendering journey has brought me to this very moment. So where is my heart right now? How am I feeling? What are my thoughts? My answers: worried, Worried and WORRIED! Tomorrow I am worried about how this is going to start, go and end. I have sat in front of this very computer screen, answering over 100 questions that I don't see is relevant to the overall goal. As I answered each of those questions, my heart gradually became so angry. Why are you doing this yet again? After two hours, I am done! It's over! But that angry feeling isn't gone....and now I am worried about what was the motive behind it. What are they trying to do? Finance this; finance that...now I have questions. Why? Why? Why?
My mind is racing at the speed of light. I must remember that I was commanded not to worry. So I decided to have my quiet time tonight on...WORRYING.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 6:25-34. A few key scriptures in this passage are verses 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothses. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? WHO OF YOU BY WORRYING CAN ADD A SINGLE HOUR TO HIS LIFE? Now going to verses 34 "THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITSELF. EACH DAY HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE OF ITS OWN".
It doesn't end there! Luke 21:14 "But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves"...Luke 12:11-12 "When you are brought before the synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say". My conclusion....THIS BATTLE IS NOT MINE!!! IT'S GOD'S! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
I must stop being spiteful and taking things into my own hands; constantly in search of that outcome that may not be God's will. I have to stop trying to cause pain on someone because they brought pain into my life. I have to stop being the captain of my life and allow the real captain steer this boat. I have to overall SURRENDER!! I can no longer be self-reliant...I must be God-reliant. If I say out of my mouth that I will do all these things...then why I am worrying? Psalm 97:10 states "Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked".
I can now rest easy knowing that...Tomorrow and the rest of my life is guarded!
Lately I have been studying and learning how to fully surrender, trust and have faith in God, FULLY! For a woman that has been raised with "I'm a Black woman and I am Proud" "Black Woman hear me roar", these scriptures humbles me quickly: Proverbs 8: 13 "To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech"; Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall"; and Isaiah 23: 9 "The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth" . WOW!!! The bible shows that pride is not allowed in God's Kingdom. So how do I tear down 29 years of having such pride? By doing exactly what God calls me to do…Humbling myself!
Since September 2010, I have been fighting what I thought was a straightforward fight. My marriage didn't work out. That was a slap in the face in the beginning. What did I do wrong; why didn't it work out; does he really not care for me and our daughter? These questions that baffled me for many nights. Instead of leaning on God, I came to my own conclusions. And those conclusions turned my heart to ice! I was so nice to people and had good intentions, but Satan and my personal demons had hardened my heart so much. I never looked at the marriage the same from that moment on.
Now as I sit here on this cold February night, I have to go to court tomorrow. I have taken matters with this situation into my own hands since day one of this fight. Every time I thought I was going to handle it, God showed me that my way isn't the right way. So I humbled myself and surrendered. I felt as though God was asking me the same question posed in Exodus 10:3 "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me". My answer was always "I am not technically refusing, I am "humbling"...I just need to do this and that and wait wait wait....let me try this one last thing God". And after each try, I am knocked down. (Matthew 21:44 “He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”.). I continuously found myself being crushed. However, after each crushing moment, my ultimate question was “Why was it so hard to get this nightmare to end?” My ultimate goal was to put this behind me and move on with my life. I don't even know this stranger. After each knock and crushing moment, I was growing closer and closer to the realization that God is trying to get me to SURRENDER!!! Surrender to his will! Surrender and allow him to lead my life. He was trying to be the Captain of my life....rather than me steering this life of mine in so many wrong directions. This is just one small battle for the ultimate battle....bringing my soul out of Satan's stronghold.
This surrendering journey has brought me to this very moment. So where is my heart right now? How am I feeling? What are my thoughts? My answers: worried, Worried and WORRIED! Tomorrow I am worried about how this is going to start, go and end. I have sat in front of this very computer screen, answering over 100 questions that I don't see is relevant to the overall goal. As I answered each of those questions, my heart gradually became so angry. Why are you doing this yet again? After two hours, I am done! It's over! But that angry feeling isn't gone....and now I am worried about what was the motive behind it. What are they trying to do? Finance this; finance that...now I have questions. Why? Why? Why?
My mind is racing at the speed of light. I must remember that I was commanded not to worry. So I decided to have my quiet time tonight on...WORRYING.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 6:25-34. A few key scriptures in this passage are verses 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothses. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? WHO OF YOU BY WORRYING CAN ADD A SINGLE HOUR TO HIS LIFE? Now going to verses 34 "THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITSELF. EACH DAY HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE OF ITS OWN".
It doesn't end there! Luke 21:14 "But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves"...Luke 12:11-12 "When you are brought before the synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say". My conclusion....THIS BATTLE IS NOT MINE!!! IT'S GOD'S! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
I must stop being spiteful and taking things into my own hands; constantly in search of that outcome that may not be God's will. I have to stop trying to cause pain on someone because they brought pain into my life. I have to stop being the captain of my life and allow the real captain steer this boat. I have to overall SURRENDER!! I can no longer be self-reliant...I must be God-reliant. If I say out of my mouth that I will do all these things...then why I am worrying? Psalm 97:10 states "Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked".
I can now rest easy knowing that...Tomorrow and the rest of my life is guarded!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Am I worthy?
So I decided to rededicate my life back to Christ. My first thoughts were: Where do I start? How am I going to do this? Am I even worthy to go back to Christ?
When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.
I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.
When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!
Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!
But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!
I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.
Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.
I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).
Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!
When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.
I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.
When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!
Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!
But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!
I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.
Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.
I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).
Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!
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