Am I worthy?

So I decided to rededicate my life back to Christ. My first thoughts were: Where do I start? How am I going to do this? Am I even worthy to go back to Christ?

When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.

I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.

When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.

Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!

Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.

Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!

But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!

I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.

Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.

I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).

Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!