Have you ever been to a point in your spiritual walk that it seems as though you are continuously having "bumps along the way"? That's the battle I am coming out of.
Everyone has their own thorn that they have to fight with daily. I have my fair share of them. I constantly have to deny myself and fight those thorns that are such a big part of my character. Since I started this Journey Back to Christ, I have been battling with so many things that are a part of my character. Some were "easy" battles and some are quite difficult. It seems as though the closer I get to that goal, the more Satan throws curve balls at me. Why won't he leave me alone? Just let me be! I am determined to finished this race, so just stop picking and poking at me! Well, I can say that as much as I want...he's not going to give up. Plus why would he? I was living in darkness and on his side for so long. I even turned away from God for a worldly pleasure. So no, this is going to be a constant battle! Alone, I won't win...with God, all my battles will be a VICTORY.
I have this beautiful little girl that is indeed my Angel that God blessed me with. Although I don't make all the right decisions, she loves me dearly. As a single mother, I always try to do so right by my little one. At times, I have over done it. It's only one me, so she doesn't have the dad in the house. One way of compensating this, I have given her so much love. Nothing is wrong with that, but it got to the point that I was trying to love her as though I am two...I am only one person. I was so worried that other children where getting love from both a mom and a dad, so I need to give her double the love. That's not the case. I was so worried, and instead of letting God fill in those gaps, I took matters into my own hands. I should have just kept my faith in God. He gave me the tools to just trust him and he would take up any slack that I had. James 1:27 says "...to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world". OK, so I know my little one isn't an orphan nor am I a widower. But, let's cross reference some to see what I am trying to say. Psalm 146:9 states "The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow...Psalm 10:18 states defending the fatherless and the oppressed so that mere earthly mortals will never again strike terror" and Exodus 22:22-23 states "Do not take advantage of the widow or the fatherless. If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry". So with God stating this throughout the bible and many more scriptures, why didn't I trust that he was going to protect my baby? Well, it goes back to my last blog about surrendering and fully trusting God and his plan for me and my daughter.
I constantly state "Yeah God I trust you", then the process is slow or the outcome isn't going the way I thought...so I feel the need to put in "Nitra's special sauce" to jazz it up. God says "I am making chicken stew" I say "Well God, I would rather have beef, so let's add a little of this and a little of that and wait take some of this out too". So I am not really fully surrendering to His will or plan. So an eye opener was with my daughter. God gave me this little angel, and trusted me to be an good mom for her, why can't I trust him to be an awesome Father for her? All I need to do is fully surrender and let God take care of the fatherless. I can't love for two people; I am only one person. The greatest part of this is the fact that God has blessed me with the ability to fully give and love my daughter as a mother. Shouldn't I just embrace that and give my daughter what God has for me to give to her? Everything else will take care of itself. Famous scripture, Jeremiah 29:11, states "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". Then he goes on to say in verse 12 "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". He is only asking me to trust him, for He knows what's best for me and my daughter. My sinful side doesn't want to submit to that. I need to stay prayed up and denying that side of me. So Amen God, soften my heart to fully trust you!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I am GUARDED
It has been way too long since I blogged. There have been numerous events and struggles that I can blog about.; but there is one area that is currently affecting me tonight.
Lately I have been studying and learning how to fully surrender, trust and have faith in God, FULLY! For a woman that has been raised with "I'm a Black woman and I am Proud" "Black Woman hear me roar", these scriptures humbles me quickly: Proverbs 8: 13 "To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech"; Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall"; and Isaiah 23: 9 "The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth" . WOW!!! The bible shows that pride is not allowed in God's Kingdom. So how do I tear down 29 years of having such pride? By doing exactly what God calls me to do…Humbling myself!
Since September 2010, I have been fighting what I thought was a straightforward fight. My marriage didn't work out. That was a slap in the face in the beginning. What did I do wrong; why didn't it work out; does he really not care for me and our daughter? These questions that baffled me for many nights. Instead of leaning on God, I came to my own conclusions. And those conclusions turned my heart to ice! I was so nice to people and had good intentions, but Satan and my personal demons had hardened my heart so much. I never looked at the marriage the same from that moment on.
Now as I sit here on this cold February night, I have to go to court tomorrow. I have taken matters with this situation into my own hands since day one of this fight. Every time I thought I was going to handle it, God showed me that my way isn't the right way. So I humbled myself and surrendered. I felt as though God was asking me the same question posed in Exodus 10:3 "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me". My answer was always "I am not technically refusing, I am "humbling"...I just need to do this and that and wait wait wait....let me try this one last thing God". And after each try, I am knocked down. (Matthew 21:44 “He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”.). I continuously found myself being crushed. However, after each crushing moment, my ultimate question was “Why was it so hard to get this nightmare to end?” My ultimate goal was to put this behind me and move on with my life. I don't even know this stranger. After each knock and crushing moment, I was growing closer and closer to the realization that God is trying to get me to SURRENDER!!! Surrender to his will! Surrender and allow him to lead my life. He was trying to be the Captain of my life....rather than me steering this life of mine in so many wrong directions. This is just one small battle for the ultimate battle....bringing my soul out of Satan's stronghold.
This surrendering journey has brought me to this very moment. So where is my heart right now? How am I feeling? What are my thoughts? My answers: worried, Worried and WORRIED! Tomorrow I am worried about how this is going to start, go and end. I have sat in front of this very computer screen, answering over 100 questions that I don't see is relevant to the overall goal. As I answered each of those questions, my heart gradually became so angry. Why are you doing this yet again? After two hours, I am done! It's over! But that angry feeling isn't gone....and now I am worried about what was the motive behind it. What are they trying to do? Finance this; finance that...now I have questions. Why? Why? Why?
My mind is racing at the speed of light. I must remember that I was commanded not to worry. So I decided to have my quiet time tonight on...WORRYING.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 6:25-34. A few key scriptures in this passage are verses 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothses. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? WHO OF YOU BY WORRYING CAN ADD A SINGLE HOUR TO HIS LIFE? Now going to verses 34 "THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITSELF. EACH DAY HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE OF ITS OWN".
It doesn't end there! Luke 21:14 "But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves"...Luke 12:11-12 "When you are brought before the synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say". My conclusion....THIS BATTLE IS NOT MINE!!! IT'S GOD'S! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
I must stop being spiteful and taking things into my own hands; constantly in search of that outcome that may not be God's will. I have to stop trying to cause pain on someone because they brought pain into my life. I have to stop being the captain of my life and allow the real captain steer this boat. I have to overall SURRENDER!! I can no longer be self-reliant...I must be God-reliant. If I say out of my mouth that I will do all these things...then why I am worrying? Psalm 97:10 states "Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked".
I can now rest easy knowing that...Tomorrow and the rest of my life is guarded!
Lately I have been studying and learning how to fully surrender, trust and have faith in God, FULLY! For a woman that has been raised with "I'm a Black woman and I am Proud" "Black Woman hear me roar", these scriptures humbles me quickly: Proverbs 8: 13 "To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech"; Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall"; and Isaiah 23: 9 "The Lord Almighty planned it, to bring low the pride of all glory and to humble all who are renowned on the earth" . WOW!!! The bible shows that pride is not allowed in God's Kingdom. So how do I tear down 29 years of having such pride? By doing exactly what God calls me to do…Humbling myself!
Since September 2010, I have been fighting what I thought was a straightforward fight. My marriage didn't work out. That was a slap in the face in the beginning. What did I do wrong; why didn't it work out; does he really not care for me and our daughter? These questions that baffled me for many nights. Instead of leaning on God, I came to my own conclusions. And those conclusions turned my heart to ice! I was so nice to people and had good intentions, but Satan and my personal demons had hardened my heart so much. I never looked at the marriage the same from that moment on.
Now as I sit here on this cold February night, I have to go to court tomorrow. I have taken matters with this situation into my own hands since day one of this fight. Every time I thought I was going to handle it, God showed me that my way isn't the right way. So I humbled myself and surrendered. I felt as though God was asking me the same question posed in Exodus 10:3 "How long will you refuse to humble yourself before me". My answer was always "I am not technically refusing, I am "humbling"...I just need to do this and that and wait wait wait....let me try this one last thing God". And after each try, I am knocked down. (Matthew 21:44 “He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed”.). I continuously found myself being crushed. However, after each crushing moment, my ultimate question was “Why was it so hard to get this nightmare to end?” My ultimate goal was to put this behind me and move on with my life. I don't even know this stranger. After each knock and crushing moment, I was growing closer and closer to the realization that God is trying to get me to SURRENDER!!! Surrender to his will! Surrender and allow him to lead my life. He was trying to be the Captain of my life....rather than me steering this life of mine in so many wrong directions. This is just one small battle for the ultimate battle....bringing my soul out of Satan's stronghold.
This surrendering journey has brought me to this very moment. So where is my heart right now? How am I feeling? What are my thoughts? My answers: worried, Worried and WORRIED! Tomorrow I am worried about how this is going to start, go and end. I have sat in front of this very computer screen, answering over 100 questions that I don't see is relevant to the overall goal. As I answered each of those questions, my heart gradually became so angry. Why are you doing this yet again? After two hours, I am done! It's over! But that angry feeling isn't gone....and now I am worried about what was the motive behind it. What are they trying to do? Finance this; finance that...now I have questions. Why? Why? Why?
My mind is racing at the speed of light. I must remember that I was commanded not to worry. So I decided to have my quiet time tonight on...WORRYING.
The first thing that comes to mind is Matthew 6:25-34. A few key scriptures in this passage are verses 25-27 "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothses. Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? WHO OF YOU BY WORRYING CAN ADD A SINGLE HOUR TO HIS LIFE? Now going to verses 34 "THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITSELF. EACH DAY HAS ENOUGH TROUBLE OF ITS OWN".
It doesn't end there! Luke 21:14 "But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves"...Luke 12:11-12 "When you are brought before the synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say". My conclusion....THIS BATTLE IS NOT MINE!!! IT'S GOD'S! I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT THE OUTCOME!
I must stop being spiteful and taking things into my own hands; constantly in search of that outcome that may not be God's will. I have to stop trying to cause pain on someone because they brought pain into my life. I have to stop being the captain of my life and allow the real captain steer this boat. I have to overall SURRENDER!! I can no longer be self-reliant...I must be God-reliant. If I say out of my mouth that I will do all these things...then why I am worrying? Psalm 97:10 states "Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked".
I can now rest easy knowing that...Tomorrow and the rest of my life is guarded!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Am I worthy?
So I decided to rededicate my life back to Christ. My first thoughts were: Where do I start? How am I going to do this? Am I even worthy to go back to Christ?
When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.
I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.
When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!
Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!
But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!
I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.
Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.
I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).
Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!
When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.
I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.
When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!
Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!
But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!
I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.
Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.
I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).
Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!
Monday, January 2, 2012
How did I get here?
I have been asking myself that very question. How did I get here? What lead me to be far from God?
I grew up in the church. I sung in the choir, eventually becoming the choir director, served as the youth president, lead Sunday School classes, served as the youth delegate, and the list goes on and on. This is what was required right? Eventually, I learned it’s much more than this!
I went off to college in 2000 and began to embark on what I thought was going to be the perfect life. Indeed in college, you have no worries! As long as you complete your assignments and gain all of your professor's trust, then life is grand. I pledged a wonderful sorority, maintained great grades, maximized every internship, and started amazing friendships and relationships. Perfect right? Not that much. I was missing something! My 4 years in college was amazing to the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. I had so many friends and was so popular in college, yet I felt lonely many nights. I thought relationships would correct this feeling and fulfill that void, yet nothing seemed to stop that lonely feeling.
After graduation, I decided to fully maximize the internship in California. So I packed up and moved from the south to the west coast. I did everything I could do to make myself marketable. If there was a task that needed to be done, I did it! If there was an assignment that someone else didn't want to do, I did it. However, when I went home, it was just me and my papers, computer and music. I was working at one of the top research labs in the country; working for some of the greatest scientist in the country. Why was my life so empty once I left the compound? I go to an apartment that was furnished and paid by the government and university. I was only 22 and life couldn't be any better right? Wrong...that lonely feeling never seemed to go away. So what do I do? Start yet another relationship. There were so many downs and controlling issues. Yet, I thought the lonely feelings would go away. I broke that relationship off and decided to just bury myself into my work. I was determined to be known as one of the top physicists in the country. My research was going to be on other's shelves. Just watch, I was going to do it!
Towards the summer of me being on the west coast, I get an offer to come to the east coast for graduate school. Since the time I left for college, I have been so independent and able to adapt to any situation. So I took the offer and began graduate school.
While in my first semester in grad school, hurricane Katrina destroys everything I knew back at home. Everything my family worked for was destroyed. How can this be? Why God, why would you do something so destructive was my thoughts. What did the people there do to deserve such turmoil? All of these questions ran through my head. I just didn't understand why this could be happening to my family, friends and neighbors. Needless to say, I turned cold. That semester was the worst semester I ever had. It was as though I didn't care about anything.
Did I really not care about anything? Absolutely, at first, but then something clicked. I have no idea where it came from but it was there. So I found a church that seemed to give me everything "I" was looking for. The people were nice, the music was great and the pastor seemed to always "deliver" a powerful sermon. So every Sunday I was there! I made sure to have a good seat so I could see the choir and watch the preacher as he delivered those powerful sermons. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was living the right life. However, when I wasn't in church, I wasn't living out my life in the way God felt was righteous. But my thoughts were, God I am serving you and paying tithes every Sunday!
A couple of years later, I reconnected with an old friend. Started a relationship, got engaged and eventually was married. I prayed many nights for God to reveal to me if I was marrying the right person. Many times God made it clear before the wedding, and even on the wedding day, that I was NOT marrying the right man. Needless to say, love blinded me and I married him in Dec. 2007. On our honeymoon, we went as two and came back as three. Excited?? Sure yet nervous. My thoughts were "wow I am in my 3rd year of my Ph.D. program. How can I do this?" After a few days, all that nervousness turned to Joy! I had everything I dreamed of! A marriage and a child on the way!! Life was grand and couldn’t get any better. Well, no one said it couldn’t take a wrong turn. During my 5th month, my husband left... God where are you?? Once again, my heart is broken and I am alone.
Over the next two years, I left the program, moved and started a new job. I worked and worked and worked to provide for me and my daughter. I went to church although my heart was heavy. Every Sunday, I praised him, in the way that I thought was right. Yet life outside of worship service wasn't pleasing. (Mark 7:20-23). How many of these sins was I committing? Was my heart really with God? Was I giving my all to God? Was I allowing God to control my life?
While at my job, I met a wonderful woman who asked me to study the bible with her. For the next few months, I continued to say no; until she introduced me to another woman who touched my heart.
So I decided to study the bible and take that hard look at myself. Was I giving God my all? Who was I allowing to influence my daily walk (Colossians 2:6-8). Was I eager to follow God? Give up everything to follow him? (Mark 1:14-20). I wasn't! I did not live a life like this. I was determined to follow Christ and live with him. Through many of nights of battling myself, I was baptized on June 16, 2010. It was the greatest day of my life. That loneliness feeling was gone! I now had a relationship with God that surpasses every other relationship I ever had. That surpassed the need for my family to always be there to help and the need to always have someone around. All of it was fulfilled with God!
Throughout the rest of the year, I worked on building my relationship with God. I had that joy, worked on my praying daily (I Thessalonians 5:16-18). For the first time ever, I felt complete.
Satan was surely lingering; trying to find the perfect time to catch me when I was slipping. Sad to say he did. Circumstances in life caused me to lose my sight on God. Things were getting hard. My divorce wasn't working out. I questioned God and asked him why again God? Why am I back in this awful place? I thought once I gave my life over and kept my eyes fixed on you that you would protect me! I didn't hold to keeping my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:2).
Losing sight eventually lead me to wondering off from God and his Kingdom. I felt as though I could control the situation better than he could. He wasn't working fast enough. I needed to do what was needed, when I needed it; so off the narrow path and onto the wide path. I have to say, life brought its ups and downs. I fought with the people I loved the most. God gave me a blessing and I didn't do right by the blessing; which in turn caused me to fight with that blessing all the time.
Long story short, I knew where I needed to be! I was there before! Let me find my way back! So on August 14, 2011, I decided that no more of this life; I want to restore my life with God! From that day, I decided that I was going to tackle that Journey Back to Christ. Now on Jan. 2, 2011, I am still fighting this journey back. There have been some hard times since August 14th to today. Many times I back tracked and didn't make the right decisions. I knew God's standard, but my standard was easier! But I was challenged on this past Saturday! I felt my lowest of all lows. Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Multiply that by 1000 and that's how I felt. God surely has a way of bringing you back to him! And that's where I am today.
From today on, at least until my Journey is complete and I am fully back with God, you will share in my journey. I will allow you to share in my struggles and joys on this journey. This is in hopes that someone will be helped! So come share with me and witness my travel back to the place I belong. God surely has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am excited to walk back through those doors and live out my plan!
I grew up in the church. I sung in the choir, eventually becoming the choir director, served as the youth president, lead Sunday School classes, served as the youth delegate, and the list goes on and on. This is what was required right? Eventually, I learned it’s much more than this!
I went off to college in 2000 and began to embark on what I thought was going to be the perfect life. Indeed in college, you have no worries! As long as you complete your assignments and gain all of your professor's trust, then life is grand. I pledged a wonderful sorority, maintained great grades, maximized every internship, and started amazing friendships and relationships. Perfect right? Not that much. I was missing something! My 4 years in college was amazing to the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. I had so many friends and was so popular in college, yet I felt lonely many nights. I thought relationships would correct this feeling and fulfill that void, yet nothing seemed to stop that lonely feeling.
After graduation, I decided to fully maximize the internship in California. So I packed up and moved from the south to the west coast. I did everything I could do to make myself marketable. If there was a task that needed to be done, I did it! If there was an assignment that someone else didn't want to do, I did it. However, when I went home, it was just me and my papers, computer and music. I was working at one of the top research labs in the country; working for some of the greatest scientist in the country. Why was my life so empty once I left the compound? I go to an apartment that was furnished and paid by the government and university. I was only 22 and life couldn't be any better right? Wrong...that lonely feeling never seemed to go away. So what do I do? Start yet another relationship. There were so many downs and controlling issues. Yet, I thought the lonely feelings would go away. I broke that relationship off and decided to just bury myself into my work. I was determined to be known as one of the top physicists in the country. My research was going to be on other's shelves. Just watch, I was going to do it!
Towards the summer of me being on the west coast, I get an offer to come to the east coast for graduate school. Since the time I left for college, I have been so independent and able to adapt to any situation. So I took the offer and began graduate school.
While in my first semester in grad school, hurricane Katrina destroys everything I knew back at home. Everything my family worked for was destroyed. How can this be? Why God, why would you do something so destructive was my thoughts. What did the people there do to deserve such turmoil? All of these questions ran through my head. I just didn't understand why this could be happening to my family, friends and neighbors. Needless to say, I turned cold. That semester was the worst semester I ever had. It was as though I didn't care about anything.
Did I really not care about anything? Absolutely, at first, but then something clicked. I have no idea where it came from but it was there. So I found a church that seemed to give me everything "I" was looking for. The people were nice, the music was great and the pastor seemed to always "deliver" a powerful sermon. So every Sunday I was there! I made sure to have a good seat so I could see the choir and watch the preacher as he delivered those powerful sermons. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was living the right life. However, when I wasn't in church, I wasn't living out my life in the way God felt was righteous. But my thoughts were, God I am serving you and paying tithes every Sunday!
A couple of years later, I reconnected with an old friend. Started a relationship, got engaged and eventually was married. I prayed many nights for God to reveal to me if I was marrying the right person. Many times God made it clear before the wedding, and even on the wedding day, that I was NOT marrying the right man. Needless to say, love blinded me and I married him in Dec. 2007. On our honeymoon, we went as two and came back as three. Excited?? Sure yet nervous. My thoughts were "wow I am in my 3rd year of my Ph.D. program. How can I do this?" After a few days, all that nervousness turned to Joy! I had everything I dreamed of! A marriage and a child on the way!! Life was grand and couldn’t get any better. Well, no one said it couldn’t take a wrong turn. During my 5th month, my husband left... God where are you?? Once again, my heart is broken and I am alone.
Over the next two years, I left the program, moved and started a new job. I worked and worked and worked to provide for me and my daughter. I went to church although my heart was heavy. Every Sunday, I praised him, in the way that I thought was right. Yet life outside of worship service wasn't pleasing. (Mark 7:20-23). How many of these sins was I committing? Was my heart really with God? Was I giving my all to God? Was I allowing God to control my life?
While at my job, I met a wonderful woman who asked me to study the bible with her. For the next few months, I continued to say no; until she introduced me to another woman who touched my heart.
So I decided to study the bible and take that hard look at myself. Was I giving God my all? Who was I allowing to influence my daily walk (Colossians 2:6-8). Was I eager to follow God? Give up everything to follow him? (Mark 1:14-20). I wasn't! I did not live a life like this. I was determined to follow Christ and live with him. Through many of nights of battling myself, I was baptized on June 16, 2010. It was the greatest day of my life. That loneliness feeling was gone! I now had a relationship with God that surpasses every other relationship I ever had. That surpassed the need for my family to always be there to help and the need to always have someone around. All of it was fulfilled with God!
Throughout the rest of the year, I worked on building my relationship with God. I had that joy, worked on my praying daily (I Thessalonians 5:16-18). For the first time ever, I felt complete.
Satan was surely lingering; trying to find the perfect time to catch me when I was slipping. Sad to say he did. Circumstances in life caused me to lose my sight on God. Things were getting hard. My divorce wasn't working out. I questioned God and asked him why again God? Why am I back in this awful place? I thought once I gave my life over and kept my eyes fixed on you that you would protect me! I didn't hold to keeping my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:2).
Losing sight eventually lead me to wondering off from God and his Kingdom. I felt as though I could control the situation better than he could. He wasn't working fast enough. I needed to do what was needed, when I needed it; so off the narrow path and onto the wide path. I have to say, life brought its ups and downs. I fought with the people I loved the most. God gave me a blessing and I didn't do right by the blessing; which in turn caused me to fight with that blessing all the time.
Long story short, I knew where I needed to be! I was there before! Let me find my way back! So on August 14, 2011, I decided that no more of this life; I want to restore my life with God! From that day, I decided that I was going to tackle that Journey Back to Christ. Now on Jan. 2, 2011, I am still fighting this journey back. There have been some hard times since August 14th to today. Many times I back tracked and didn't make the right decisions. I knew God's standard, but my standard was easier! But I was challenged on this past Saturday! I felt my lowest of all lows. Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Multiply that by 1000 and that's how I felt. God surely has a way of bringing you back to him! And that's where I am today.
From today on, at least until my Journey is complete and I am fully back with God, you will share in my journey. I will allow you to share in my struggles and joys on this journey. This is in hopes that someone will be helped! So come share with me and witness my travel back to the place I belong. God surely has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am excited to walk back through those doors and live out my plan!
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