So I decided to rededicate my life back to Christ. My first thoughts were: Where do I start? How am I going to do this? Am I even worthy to go back to Christ?
When I made that decision in August 2010, I was so nervous walking back into the church. How were the members going to look at me? What were they going to think of me? I turned my back and walked away at the beginning of the year. I chose not to answer phone calls and respond to text messages or emails. I didn't just turn my back on the church and God; I turned my back on my brothers and sisters, my friends. Now I am walking into this church, me and my daughter.
I sat there that Sunday thinking of all the sins I committed since walking away. The more I thought about them, the more I was embarrassed, ashamed and sorrowful. How many times did I nail Jesus to the cross because of my sins? Each time I committed that sin or this sin, oh wait let me not forget that one too, I crucified Christ. I felt so little. Do I even deserve to come back? Do I deserve God's forgiveness? At that time, I thought I had done too much.
When service was over, I saw a sister that I was so close too. She saw me walking down the hall. The way she looked at me was like she had seen a ghost. Tears began to flood my eyes. Those same tears rolled down my face...all of a sudden those few tears turned into a river. This was the same sister that I didn't receive that answer when she called, or that response to the texts and emails. I stood there wondering what to do next. I was ashamed for the way I treated her because life got to hard and I turned and walked away. What did she do at this time? Hug me! She hugged me like she never hugged me before. Tears, tears and more tears fell from my eyes. Then she walked away. Why did she just walk away? Later I found out that she was so overwhelmed with joy that she couldn't say anything to me. Just the fact that I walked back through those doors showed her my humility.
Over the next couple of weeks, I continued to question if I was worthy of God's love. I studied the bible, got baptized and started to live a life with God being my all. However, I turned at the first sight of struggles; not even giving God a chance to show me that his power is made perfect in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:9). I asked myself again what sins have I committed. I was ashamed to admit that many of the sins in Mark 7:20-23 was in me. I had envy for all the women that had success marriages. I started relationships, although separated and didn't speak for a couple of years, I was still married. I was arrogant during times that I should have been humbled. Wow God! All of this was me! Every time I did this I crucified YOU! My thorns were in my side and I didn't know how to handle them and fight against them!
Through my struggling of feeling unworthy, I met with a sister that shared a very important story with me. This story showed me that God will always want his child back! So I studied this story out. I made it my encouragement for when Satan tries to convince me that God doesn't love or want me anymore.
Peter denied Jesus 3 times. Jesus heard him deny him one of those times. However, Jesus still asked Peter to follow him. He asked him 3 times, "Do you love me", and each time Peter responded "Yes Lord" (John 21:15-17). Throughout all those struggles and battles, Jesus was asking me that. Do I love him? Yes Lord, I do!
But now, what do I do? Exactly what Jesus told Peter...FOLLOW ME (John 21:19). Follow him, Follow Him, FOLLOW HIM (Matthew 4:19-20)!
I was ready! I was ready to follow him. So, I thought. Over the next few months leading to now, I had to deny myself, take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23). I had to lose my life for him to save it (Luke 9:24). Wait, wait, wait…God, WHAT? I have to lose this life? But it's so nice. I am where I wanted to be emotionally, financially and personally. I have to give all of this up for you? I thought about this. There is one thing that I just can't give up. I found love, security and comfort in this. It is everything that I could ever dream of. It completed me and my daughter. I have to give it up? It took me a long time to finally answer this question with a YES. YES I have to give it up. This situation that I created was a sinful creation.
Coming to this conclusion was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was harder than those exams in college, moving from my family, starting a new life in different states, raising a daughter on my own. This was something I prayed for. It was a blessing, right? It was that relationship that I always needed, right? No, it was that idol that I put before God. Life is supposed to be God, FIRST. Instead, I made this my first! So now, I must learn to put God first. What a life changing event! How am I supposed to do this? What am I suppose to do with all these emotions? Lean on God. Trust God to be my security, my first love and my comfort. I am suppose to find rest in him (Matthew 11:28-30). I am not suppose to worry about my life (Matthew 6:25-27). For once, I am going to totally surrender to God. Give my life to him.
I am so hopeful that putting God first, making him my everything, trusting in his plan, trusting he knows what's best for me will give me a life I could only dream of. A life with joy, love and the desires of my heart. For if I delight MYSELF in the Lord, he will give ME the desires of MY heart (Psalms 37:4).
Indeed it took many nights of fighting with my heart and flesh and others to come to this conclusion. But it is not how I got here...I GOT HERE! And watch how God transforms me to be exactly what I was destined to be!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
How did I get here?
I have been asking myself that very question. How did I get here? What lead me to be far from God?
I grew up in the church. I sung in the choir, eventually becoming the choir director, served as the youth president, lead Sunday School classes, served as the youth delegate, and the list goes on and on. This is what was required right? Eventually, I learned it’s much more than this!
I went off to college in 2000 and began to embark on what I thought was going to be the perfect life. Indeed in college, you have no worries! As long as you complete your assignments and gain all of your professor's trust, then life is grand. I pledged a wonderful sorority, maintained great grades, maximized every internship, and started amazing friendships and relationships. Perfect right? Not that much. I was missing something! My 4 years in college was amazing to the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. I had so many friends and was so popular in college, yet I felt lonely many nights. I thought relationships would correct this feeling and fulfill that void, yet nothing seemed to stop that lonely feeling.
After graduation, I decided to fully maximize the internship in California. So I packed up and moved from the south to the west coast. I did everything I could do to make myself marketable. If there was a task that needed to be done, I did it! If there was an assignment that someone else didn't want to do, I did it. However, when I went home, it was just me and my papers, computer and music. I was working at one of the top research labs in the country; working for some of the greatest scientist in the country. Why was my life so empty once I left the compound? I go to an apartment that was furnished and paid by the government and university. I was only 22 and life couldn't be any better right? Wrong...that lonely feeling never seemed to go away. So what do I do? Start yet another relationship. There were so many downs and controlling issues. Yet, I thought the lonely feelings would go away. I broke that relationship off and decided to just bury myself into my work. I was determined to be known as one of the top physicists in the country. My research was going to be on other's shelves. Just watch, I was going to do it!
Towards the summer of me being on the west coast, I get an offer to come to the east coast for graduate school. Since the time I left for college, I have been so independent and able to adapt to any situation. So I took the offer and began graduate school.
While in my first semester in grad school, hurricane Katrina destroys everything I knew back at home. Everything my family worked for was destroyed. How can this be? Why God, why would you do something so destructive was my thoughts. What did the people there do to deserve such turmoil? All of these questions ran through my head. I just didn't understand why this could be happening to my family, friends and neighbors. Needless to say, I turned cold. That semester was the worst semester I ever had. It was as though I didn't care about anything.
Did I really not care about anything? Absolutely, at first, but then something clicked. I have no idea where it came from but it was there. So I found a church that seemed to give me everything "I" was looking for. The people were nice, the music was great and the pastor seemed to always "deliver" a powerful sermon. So every Sunday I was there! I made sure to have a good seat so I could see the choir and watch the preacher as he delivered those powerful sermons. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was living the right life. However, when I wasn't in church, I wasn't living out my life in the way God felt was righteous. But my thoughts were, God I am serving you and paying tithes every Sunday!
A couple of years later, I reconnected with an old friend. Started a relationship, got engaged and eventually was married. I prayed many nights for God to reveal to me if I was marrying the right person. Many times God made it clear before the wedding, and even on the wedding day, that I was NOT marrying the right man. Needless to say, love blinded me and I married him in Dec. 2007. On our honeymoon, we went as two and came back as three. Excited?? Sure yet nervous. My thoughts were "wow I am in my 3rd year of my Ph.D. program. How can I do this?" After a few days, all that nervousness turned to Joy! I had everything I dreamed of! A marriage and a child on the way!! Life was grand and couldn’t get any better. Well, no one said it couldn’t take a wrong turn. During my 5th month, my husband left... God where are you?? Once again, my heart is broken and I am alone.
Over the next two years, I left the program, moved and started a new job. I worked and worked and worked to provide for me and my daughter. I went to church although my heart was heavy. Every Sunday, I praised him, in the way that I thought was right. Yet life outside of worship service wasn't pleasing. (Mark 7:20-23). How many of these sins was I committing? Was my heart really with God? Was I giving my all to God? Was I allowing God to control my life?
While at my job, I met a wonderful woman who asked me to study the bible with her. For the next few months, I continued to say no; until she introduced me to another woman who touched my heart.
So I decided to study the bible and take that hard look at myself. Was I giving God my all? Who was I allowing to influence my daily walk (Colossians 2:6-8). Was I eager to follow God? Give up everything to follow him? (Mark 1:14-20). I wasn't! I did not live a life like this. I was determined to follow Christ and live with him. Through many of nights of battling myself, I was baptized on June 16, 2010. It was the greatest day of my life. That loneliness feeling was gone! I now had a relationship with God that surpasses every other relationship I ever had. That surpassed the need for my family to always be there to help and the need to always have someone around. All of it was fulfilled with God!
Throughout the rest of the year, I worked on building my relationship with God. I had that joy, worked on my praying daily (I Thessalonians 5:16-18). For the first time ever, I felt complete.
Satan was surely lingering; trying to find the perfect time to catch me when I was slipping. Sad to say he did. Circumstances in life caused me to lose my sight on God. Things were getting hard. My divorce wasn't working out. I questioned God and asked him why again God? Why am I back in this awful place? I thought once I gave my life over and kept my eyes fixed on you that you would protect me! I didn't hold to keeping my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:2).
Losing sight eventually lead me to wondering off from God and his Kingdom. I felt as though I could control the situation better than he could. He wasn't working fast enough. I needed to do what was needed, when I needed it; so off the narrow path and onto the wide path. I have to say, life brought its ups and downs. I fought with the people I loved the most. God gave me a blessing and I didn't do right by the blessing; which in turn caused me to fight with that blessing all the time.
Long story short, I knew where I needed to be! I was there before! Let me find my way back! So on August 14, 2011, I decided that no more of this life; I want to restore my life with God! From that day, I decided that I was going to tackle that Journey Back to Christ. Now on Jan. 2, 2011, I am still fighting this journey back. There have been some hard times since August 14th to today. Many times I back tracked and didn't make the right decisions. I knew God's standard, but my standard was easier! But I was challenged on this past Saturday! I felt my lowest of all lows. Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Multiply that by 1000 and that's how I felt. God surely has a way of bringing you back to him! And that's where I am today.
From today on, at least until my Journey is complete and I am fully back with God, you will share in my journey. I will allow you to share in my struggles and joys on this journey. This is in hopes that someone will be helped! So come share with me and witness my travel back to the place I belong. God surely has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am excited to walk back through those doors and live out my plan!
I grew up in the church. I sung in the choir, eventually becoming the choir director, served as the youth president, lead Sunday School classes, served as the youth delegate, and the list goes on and on. This is what was required right? Eventually, I learned it’s much more than this!
I went off to college in 2000 and began to embark on what I thought was going to be the perfect life. Indeed in college, you have no worries! As long as you complete your assignments and gain all of your professor's trust, then life is grand. I pledged a wonderful sorority, maintained great grades, maximized every internship, and started amazing friendships and relationships. Perfect right? Not that much. I was missing something! My 4 years in college was amazing to the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. I had so many friends and was so popular in college, yet I felt lonely many nights. I thought relationships would correct this feeling and fulfill that void, yet nothing seemed to stop that lonely feeling.
After graduation, I decided to fully maximize the internship in California. So I packed up and moved from the south to the west coast. I did everything I could do to make myself marketable. If there was a task that needed to be done, I did it! If there was an assignment that someone else didn't want to do, I did it. However, when I went home, it was just me and my papers, computer and music. I was working at one of the top research labs in the country; working for some of the greatest scientist in the country. Why was my life so empty once I left the compound? I go to an apartment that was furnished and paid by the government and university. I was only 22 and life couldn't be any better right? Wrong...that lonely feeling never seemed to go away. So what do I do? Start yet another relationship. There were so many downs and controlling issues. Yet, I thought the lonely feelings would go away. I broke that relationship off and decided to just bury myself into my work. I was determined to be known as one of the top physicists in the country. My research was going to be on other's shelves. Just watch, I was going to do it!
Towards the summer of me being on the west coast, I get an offer to come to the east coast for graduate school. Since the time I left for college, I have been so independent and able to adapt to any situation. So I took the offer and began graduate school.
While in my first semester in grad school, hurricane Katrina destroys everything I knew back at home. Everything my family worked for was destroyed. How can this be? Why God, why would you do something so destructive was my thoughts. What did the people there do to deserve such turmoil? All of these questions ran through my head. I just didn't understand why this could be happening to my family, friends and neighbors. Needless to say, I turned cold. That semester was the worst semester I ever had. It was as though I didn't care about anything.
Did I really not care about anything? Absolutely, at first, but then something clicked. I have no idea where it came from but it was there. So I found a church that seemed to give me everything "I" was looking for. The people were nice, the music was great and the pastor seemed to always "deliver" a powerful sermon. So every Sunday I was there! I made sure to have a good seat so I could see the choir and watch the preacher as he delivered those powerful sermons. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was living the right life. However, when I wasn't in church, I wasn't living out my life in the way God felt was righteous. But my thoughts were, God I am serving you and paying tithes every Sunday!
A couple of years later, I reconnected with an old friend. Started a relationship, got engaged and eventually was married. I prayed many nights for God to reveal to me if I was marrying the right person. Many times God made it clear before the wedding, and even on the wedding day, that I was NOT marrying the right man. Needless to say, love blinded me and I married him in Dec. 2007. On our honeymoon, we went as two and came back as three. Excited?? Sure yet nervous. My thoughts were "wow I am in my 3rd year of my Ph.D. program. How can I do this?" After a few days, all that nervousness turned to Joy! I had everything I dreamed of! A marriage and a child on the way!! Life was grand and couldn’t get any better. Well, no one said it couldn’t take a wrong turn. During my 5th month, my husband left... God where are you?? Once again, my heart is broken and I am alone.
Over the next two years, I left the program, moved and started a new job. I worked and worked and worked to provide for me and my daughter. I went to church although my heart was heavy. Every Sunday, I praised him, in the way that I thought was right. Yet life outside of worship service wasn't pleasing. (Mark 7:20-23). How many of these sins was I committing? Was my heart really with God? Was I giving my all to God? Was I allowing God to control my life?
While at my job, I met a wonderful woman who asked me to study the bible with her. For the next few months, I continued to say no; until she introduced me to another woman who touched my heart.
So I decided to study the bible and take that hard look at myself. Was I giving God my all? Who was I allowing to influence my daily walk (Colossians 2:6-8). Was I eager to follow God? Give up everything to follow him? (Mark 1:14-20). I wasn't! I did not live a life like this. I was determined to follow Christ and live with him. Through many of nights of battling myself, I was baptized on June 16, 2010. It was the greatest day of my life. That loneliness feeling was gone! I now had a relationship with God that surpasses every other relationship I ever had. That surpassed the need for my family to always be there to help and the need to always have someone around. All of it was fulfilled with God!
Throughout the rest of the year, I worked on building my relationship with God. I had that joy, worked on my praying daily (I Thessalonians 5:16-18). For the first time ever, I felt complete.
Satan was surely lingering; trying to find the perfect time to catch me when I was slipping. Sad to say he did. Circumstances in life caused me to lose my sight on God. Things were getting hard. My divorce wasn't working out. I questioned God and asked him why again God? Why am I back in this awful place? I thought once I gave my life over and kept my eyes fixed on you that you would protect me! I didn't hold to keeping my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:2).
Losing sight eventually lead me to wondering off from God and his Kingdom. I felt as though I could control the situation better than he could. He wasn't working fast enough. I needed to do what was needed, when I needed it; so off the narrow path and onto the wide path. I have to say, life brought its ups and downs. I fought with the people I loved the most. God gave me a blessing and I didn't do right by the blessing; which in turn caused me to fight with that blessing all the time.
Long story short, I knew where I needed to be! I was there before! Let me find my way back! So on August 14, 2011, I decided that no more of this life; I want to restore my life with God! From that day, I decided that I was going to tackle that Journey Back to Christ. Now on Jan. 2, 2011, I am still fighting this journey back. There have been some hard times since August 14th to today. Many times I back tracked and didn't make the right decisions. I knew God's standard, but my standard was easier! But I was challenged on this past Saturday! I felt my lowest of all lows. Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Multiply that by 1000 and that's how I felt. God surely has a way of bringing you back to him! And that's where I am today.
From today on, at least until my Journey is complete and I am fully back with God, you will share in my journey. I will allow you to share in my struggles and joys on this journey. This is in hopes that someone will be helped! So come share with me and witness my travel back to the place I belong. God surely has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am excited to walk back through those doors and live out my plan!
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