THANK YOU GOD!!!

2 years ago, today, I started this blog. I was at a point in my life where I didn't really understand where I was going, how did I get to that place and why was I there. Life threw me some curve balls and I kept dodging, ducking, jumping and leaping over all of them, until I was hit. Over the past two years I have been through many things, learned many things, left old habits and gained convictions about my life.

Let's take a ride down 2012. During this time, I was battling with what's right for me and what God has for me. The two didn't overlap at all and the frustrations had me confused, angry, hurt and blaming God for why things were ending up in the "slums". I started living life in a way that on the outside I had it together, but motives of my heart were selfish. Proverbs 16: 2 states All a person's ways seem pure to them, but motives are weighed by the Lord. Wow, why was I living a check mark life? Just to gain what I wanted in life? Needless to say, God knew my motives and they were exposed at the right time. Wait? I can't be restored? I have to wait? How dare you say I didn't repent of that sin, or this sin? Oh the anger that filled my heart at that moment. But hold up...I knew right from wrong. Was I going to allow these sins to stop me from getting back in God's grace? Was this worldly satisfaction going to stop me from living the life I knew I was destined to have? Was this selfishness and deceit going to continue to block me from God and for Him to not see me (Isaiah 59:1-2)...no! Didn't I break down this wall in June of 2010? Didn't I say Jesus is Lord? So why am I allowing satan to convince me to keep this rebuilt wall up...blocking me from God?

By the end of January, I had lost so much. The house that I knew of was gone. The life that I had built, gone. The"perfect" life that I build on a sinful and selfish foundation, gone. Was I happy...no, of course not. Who in the mindset that I was in would be happy? At 17, I went to college, at 21 I graduated, at 22 I was in California working for the top weapons lab in the nation, later at 22 I was in a top grad program, 25 married, 26 living a single parent life...and at that present time 29, finalizing a divorce. What does all of these things have in common....INDEPENDENCE! What did I have stripped away, my independence. For the first time, I had to really rely on other to be there for me....to take time and to rebuild myself. The difference in building myself this time? In all of the examples given, I never mentioned God. I knew God, but I didn't have a true relationship with him, married to God. This time I totally built my foundation on God, one brick at a time, layer by layer. It took a few months, but I moved into the home that I prayed for. Took the rest of the year to build up myself and my wonderful daughter.

Then in the mist of enjoying life and living it up, 2013 came! I looked back over 2012 and was happy at the friendships that I had gained, the lessons learned, the growing relationship with God and watching my heart surrender to his word, his will. I was on a high! I realized that all that fulfillment of my loneliness was from God. I no longer struggled to be in a relationship to feel complete. I have found that piece to the void in my heart. Oh the joy that I felt going into 2013!

2013 brought about a lot of challenges at work. So guess what? Satan is always on the prowl. Genesis 4 states that sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. That struggle to be in a relationship was under my feet! Not to sound cocky, but I was very secure in my relationship with God and knew satan can't tempt me there anymore; so where does he go? To my career. Due to it being my career, I won't go into too much details. I will just say that for 8-9 months I fought and fought and fought. Was the outcome the way I wanted it to be, no. However, I was at peace knowing that this life isn't promised fairness, we are promised justice. Does the justice always come while on Earth, no. It's okay because I walked away with my same position and a heart of "this is not my entire life". I wasn't broken or destroyed. I had a few bruises but they are MY  war wounds...my testimonies...the things that seem to just happen in life that make us who we are. The things that make us stronger because we persevered and didn't give up, give in, or take things into our own hands. Doesn't God promise us the crown of life that is promised if we persevere under trial? (James 1:12)

Now, let me tell you about a blessing that was brewing the entire time of my growth with God in the past year and a half after my re-dedication to God. I have a friend that I met early spring of 2012. I laughed at the table as he told me he was in grad school with my friends that I went to undergrad with. We chatted and the lunch was over. He went his way, I went mine. On my birthday in San Antonio, TX, I see him again at our summit. He asked me on a date. My response was sure and we exchanged phone numbers. After San Antonio, lives go back to "normal", whatever normal is :-). I get a call here and there and we go on periodic dates. Was there something there that wasn't being said? Hmmm I don't know. Remember I was going through the period of "fixing" myself. Later in 2013, YES, there is something. What to do? Is is mutual? Is this real? Questions that ran through my head, over and over. I asked questions to others, sought tons of advice, talked about my feelings and thoughts. Then my "scared to pray" prayers were answered! It's mutual! I gained a deeper friendship. And on December 31, 2013 at 6:08 pm, I gained a wonderful and Godly boyfriend! I didn't know it was happening...but that's the amazing part about it...it was in God's timing.

Let's bring my two years full circle. I battled with fulfilling voids with nonsense.I learned that loneliness is a state of mind because I didn't know how to fully surrender, trust and obey God. I gained a true relationship with God and learned what a marriage to Him meant, in a biblical sense. I learned what the body of Christ was and how I fit into that situation (1 Corinthians 12:12-31). I learned what a Godly mother looks like and learned how to be that for my daughter. I learned how to be a friend, how to encourage others, how to treat others, how to treat myself. And you know what, God blessed me with the desires of my heart. My heart does leaps and flips with knowing that I am living the life that was planned for me and ended this two years in a relationship built in a righteous way! What do I say to that? Cheers! Welcome 2014! And thank you GOD for never giving up on me!