How did I get here?

I have been asking myself that very question. How did I get here? What lead me to be far from God?

I grew up in the church. I sung in the choir, eventually becoming the choir director, served as the youth president, lead Sunday School classes, served as the youth delegate, and the list goes on and on. This is what was required right? Eventually, I learned it’s much more than this!

I went off to college in 2000 and began to embark on what I thought was going to be the perfect life. Indeed in college, you have no worries! As long as you complete your assignments and gain all of your professor's trust, then life is grand. I pledged a wonderful sorority, maintained great grades, maximized every internship, and started amazing friendships and relationships. Perfect right? Not that much. I was missing something! My 4 years in college was amazing to the outside, but on the inside, something was missing. I had so many friends and was so popular in college, yet I felt lonely many nights. I thought relationships would correct this feeling and fulfill that void, yet nothing seemed to stop that lonely feeling.

After graduation, I decided to fully maximize the internship in California. So I packed up and moved from the south to the west coast. I did everything I could do to make myself marketable. If there was a task that needed to be done, I did it! If there was an assignment that someone else didn't want to do, I did it. However, when I went home, it was just me and my papers, computer and music. I was working at one of the top research labs in the country; working for some of the greatest scientist in the country. Why was my life so empty once I left the compound? I go to an apartment that was furnished and paid by the government and university. I was only 22 and life couldn't be any better right? Wrong...that lonely feeling never seemed to go away. So what do I do? Start yet another relationship. There were so many downs and controlling issues. Yet, I thought the lonely feelings would go away. I broke that relationship off and decided to just bury myself into my work. I was determined to be known as one of the top physicists in the country. My research was going to be on other's shelves. Just watch, I was going to do it!

Towards the summer of me being on the west coast, I get an offer to come to the east coast for graduate school. Since the time I left for college, I have been so independent and able to adapt to any situation. So I took the offer and began graduate school.

While in my first semester in grad school, hurricane Katrina destroys everything I knew back at home. Everything my family worked for was destroyed. How can this be? Why God, why would you do something so destructive was my thoughts. What did the people there do to deserve such turmoil? All of these questions ran through my head. I just didn't understand why this could be happening to my family, friends and neighbors. Needless to say, I turned cold. That semester was the worst semester I ever had. It was as though I didn't care about anything.

Did I really not care about anything? Absolutely, at first, but then something clicked. I have no idea where it came from but it was there. So I found a church that seemed to give me everything "I" was looking for. The people were nice, the music was great and the pastor seemed to always "deliver" a powerful sermon. So every Sunday I was there! I made sure to have a good seat so I could see the choir and watch the preacher as he delivered those powerful sermons. I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was living the right life. However, when I wasn't in church, I wasn't living out my life in the way God felt was righteous. But my thoughts were, God I am serving you and paying tithes every Sunday!

A couple of years later, I reconnected with an old friend. Started a relationship, got engaged and eventually was married. I prayed many nights for God to reveal to me if I was marrying the right person. Many times God made it clear before the wedding, and even on the wedding day, that I was NOT marrying the right man. Needless to say, love blinded me and I married him in Dec. 2007. On our honeymoon, we went as two and came back as three. Excited?? Sure yet nervous. My thoughts were "wow I am in my 3rd year of my Ph.D. program. How can I do this?" After a few days, all that nervousness turned to Joy! I had everything I dreamed of! A marriage and a child on the way!! Life was grand and couldn’t get any better. Well, no one said it couldn’t take a wrong turn. During my 5th month, my husband left... God where are you?? Once again, my heart is broken and I am alone.

Over the next two years, I left the program, moved and started a new job. I worked and worked and worked to provide for me and my daughter. I went to church although my heart was heavy. Every Sunday, I praised him, in the way that I thought was right. Yet life outside of worship service wasn't pleasing. (Mark 7:20-23). How many of these sins was I committing? Was my heart really with God? Was I giving my all to God? Was I allowing God to control my life?

While at my job, I met a wonderful woman who asked me to study the bible with her. For the next few months, I continued to say no; until she introduced me to another woman who touched my heart.

So I decided to study the bible and take that hard look at myself. Was I giving God my all? Who was I allowing to influence my daily walk (Colossians 2:6-8). Was I eager to follow God? Give up everything to follow him? (Mark 1:14-20). I wasn't! I did not live a life like this. I was determined to follow Christ and live with him. Through many of nights of battling myself, I was baptized on June 16, 2010. It was the greatest day of my life. That loneliness feeling was gone! I now had a relationship with God that surpasses every other relationship I ever had. That surpassed the need for my family to always be there to help and the need to always have someone around. All of it was fulfilled with God!

Throughout the rest of the year, I worked on building my relationship with God. I had that joy, worked on my praying daily (I Thessalonians 5:16-18). For the first time ever, I felt complete.

Satan was surely lingering; trying to find the perfect time to catch me when I was slipping. Sad to say he did. Circumstances in life caused me to lose my sight on God. Things were getting hard. My divorce wasn't working out. I questioned God and asked him why again God? Why am I back in this awful place? I thought once I gave my life over and kept my eyes fixed on you that you would protect me! I didn't hold to keeping my eyes on Christ (Hebrews 12:2).

Losing sight eventually lead me to wondering off from God and his Kingdom. I felt as though I could control the situation better than he could. He wasn't working fast enough. I needed to do what was needed, when I needed it; so off the narrow path and onto the wide path. I have to say, life brought its ups and downs. I fought with the people I loved the most. God gave me a blessing and I didn't do right by the blessing; which in turn caused me to fight with that blessing all the time.

Long story short, I knew where I needed to be! I was there before! Let me find my way back! So on August 14, 2011, I decided that no more of this life; I want to restore my life with God! From that day, I decided that I was going to tackle that Journey Back to Christ. Now on Jan. 2, 2011, I am still fighting this journey back. There have been some hard times since August 14th to today. Many times I back tracked and didn't make the right decisions. I knew God's standard, but my standard was easier! But I was challenged on this past Saturday! I felt my lowest of all lows. Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? Multiply that by 1000 and that's how I felt. God surely has a way of bringing you back to him! And that's where I am today.

From today on, at least until my Journey is complete and I am fully back with God, you will share in my journey. I will allow you to share in my struggles and joys on this journey. This is in hopes that someone will be helped! So come share with me and witness my travel back to the place I belong. God surely has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I am excited to walk back through those doors and live out my plan!